THAT, my friends, is something I didn't do for YEARS. Decades even. When Daddy died in '74, I didn't cry. When Mom died in '84, I didn't cry. HOW does an "only child" who loved her Parents immensely NOT do that?! Ask any military brat. It's something in the DNA and training.
However, when Baker died (murdered) on Nov. 2, 2007, I cried so much that I thought I wouldn't STOP crying. Of course, NOT in public. Soldiers/Souljahs just don't DO that if we can help it. But maaaaaaan....did I cry! Like I was making up for lost time and hidden emotions. In fact, I think I only STOPPED crying maybe a year ago. That Process Tho!
FIRST...I had to finally admit that I HAD "depression." Don't get it twisted. It's as big of a killer and just as deadly as cancer. Ask someone who REALLY knows! THEN I had to STOP feeling guilty for something I didn't do nor had any control over...which is a hard to nearly impossible thing for a "control freak."
THEN, I had to take a CLEAR assessment of my life and the "energies" surrounding me. Was I surrounding myself with energies I could heal and grow from...or "like-minded" energies who were suffering like I was? Where these energies "benefiting" ME...or just draining me due to my compassion and empathy? While I was busy trying to deal with others' pains and struggles, WHO was really dealing with MINE?! Was I even dealing with mine?!
Strong in public...broken down in private...did anyone REALLY care what I was going through?! Or was the easy-to-say-but-not-to-do words of "You'll get over it in time" supposed to be the right penny in my gumball machine of pain to help me start blowing bubbles again?!
Guess what?! Those who don't KNOW will NEVER know til it hits THEM. THAT is how personal "depression" is. And indescribable! And all the praying in the world will NEVER remove it until and unless YOU are ready to make some changes in your own life. That has far more to do with YOU than anything outside of you (and why you've got so many so-called "Christians" still putting on massive airs like they're happy when they are some of the most miserable lying sons-of-bitches on the planet...because they're waiting on the "Lawd" to do something THEY need to do....DEAL WITH IT!)
All that said and done, I've been "super busy" over the last few days. But I've also been struggling with my energy. WHY am I not sleeping? WHY am I so tired? WHY do I feel like I'm spinning in my tracks? Why am I dancing ONE minute...then drained the next?! After such a banner couple of weeks...months...Summer...WHY do I feel like a Maserati being constantly driven in 2nd gear for the past 5 days?!!
Then it hit me.....what I had almost made myself forget. But then again, your subconscious ALWAYS remembers....whether YOU choose to outwardly admit it or not. Damn. I've been kissing Bake's picture with joy and a laughing about the positive changes going on in my life for the last several days every time I wake up in the morn.
Repeating (to myself for clarity to acknowledge the subconscious jedi-mindtrick): I've been kissing Bake's picture with joy and a laughing about the positive changes going on in my life for the last several days every time I wake up in the morn. Damn. #gotme
Depression is an insidious beast. It can mask as something else. But at the end of the day, it's still depression. And it's an ongoing fight to keep it at check. Luckily, I become a better warrior and an even better "liver of life."
So, if I don't see you...engage in YOUR problems or issues...don't appear like I'm trying to save the world or the music industry...or just don't give a f*kk about things that don't pertain personally to MY and MY growth and happiness and spend more time sipping my coffee in private peace rather than "turning up" with crazy crowds with issues, don't take it personal. It's just that I've got "bigger fish to fry" in my own life. And this depression thing is like a big "catfish from hell." Even when it's frying, it's not dying.
But that doesn't mean I have to eat it though. ;-)